It's like tripping. And then sometimes, you do.

I recently went to Florida. We flew there. When I looked down at the carpet, I wondered: Where the heck do they get this stuff? I have never seen an airport where the carpet was one color. It's always a strange pattern that seems as if it's straight out of the eighties or nineties. Is there some carpet store specifically for airports that has the rejects from those eras?

If you look at it long enough, it's as if you just took a ton of drugs and then tried to make art. It HAS to be rejected carpet, because there's enough of it to carpet an entire concourse.

God demands excellence.

I think if God was one of us he would walk up to Eric Bazilian and Joan Osborne and look at them very disappointedly for writing, performing, and releasing such a mediocre song about him.

BREAKING NEWS

Local Pizza Place Replaces Unsweetened Tea With Coke Zero; Residents and Students Alike Suddenly Want Unsweetened Tea After Years of Not Wanting It

2:46 PM EST-- Early this morning, before they opened, a local pizza parlor was busy with activity. Employees looked on nervously as men from Coca-Cola fiddled with their soda machine, unaware of what was happening. It was only after the men had left that they learned the terrible truth: The unsweetened tea that no one ever ordered had been replaced. The new contender? Coke Zero.

"It was like the whole world turned upside down," said one employee, who requested to be unnamed. "We had the unpopular tea for so long, it was part of the family here at the pizza shop. It's like now, we don't know what to expect. Things are usually so consistent around here."

But this tear-streaked worker is not the only one dumbfounded by this sudden change; locals are up in arms as well. "I want tea!" one local man shouted, as he walked out of the shop. "So what I ain't never wanted it before, I want it now!" Calls have reportedly been streaming in, each person asking for unsweetened tea with their food. "It's heartbreaking," said the unnamed employee about having to turn people down.

When asked for their opinions, several people admitted they suddenly wanted tea. "I woke up this morning, and I just had a craving for bland, bitter tea out of a machine," said college student Ryan Jorge. "I can't explain it. I didn't even know they had tea to begin with."

The manager of the offending pizza shop declined to comment.

TAKE IT BACK

I was thinking today... I think that some disabilities would be better to recover from than others. Walking after being wheelchair-bound, great! Getting a voice after being mute, awesome! But hearing after being deaf, or seeing after being blind... There are some things I'd just rather not see or hear or be exposed to in general in life. I think I'd save the receipt just in case.

AKA, when the machines have taken over

If cars were sentient:

-All sports cars would be arrogant, competitive showoffs. Maseratis, Ferraris, and Corvettes would be the biggest douchebags. Mustangs would be the guys that dress up like the richer guys to fit in, but secretly have a job solely to support their wardrobe because their family isn't that rich.

-Minivans would be extremely maternal, regularly overriding their owners' teenage sons' commands, because "that's just not safe." They would also have surveillance software installed in the cargo and backseat areas with a direct satellite hookup to the owners' homes.

-Small cars would be the troublemakers, always trying to prove themselves against the bigger cars, and probably pranksters.

-SUVs would be programmed with the personality of The Situation from Jersey Shore, and totally convinced that Global Warming is a conspiracy against them.

-Cargo vans would be rather dumb, plodding creatures, doing whatever their owner tells them, though occasionally the mulish part of their programming would kick in and the driver would suddenly find himself dumped out of the drivers' seat and watching his van drive away.

-The Prius would be an insufferable know-it-all, constantly telling his friends to go green. Then, at the end of the day, it would go home and secretly throw plastic wrappers on the ground.

-Trucks would have a constant, inexplicable urge to wallow in the mud and listen to country.

Anybody got any others?

The deck is on fire?

Last night I stayed up really late playing this game called "Top Ace" and it involves eliminating cards by suit and value, and when I went to sleep, I had a dream where I was playing that game... and rescuing dogs off ladders at the same time.

Straight to voicemail

I was in the bathroom today, and I thought about how I don't really go to the bathroom that much, and I've always been able to hold it if nature calls at an inconvenient time. Then I thought.. wow. I'm screening nature's calls.